I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
