I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
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She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
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It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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