jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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