Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
