why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
