the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
