I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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