Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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