It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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