im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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