omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
