Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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