How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
