either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
