...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
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