dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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