I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
