I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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