I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
