Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
