I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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