Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
