i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
