in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
