And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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