I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
