All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
