Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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