Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
