mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
