I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
