btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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