You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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