morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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