I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
