i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
