I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
