Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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