what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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