...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
