Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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