My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
