i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
