Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
