U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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