found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
