i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
