I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
