I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
