I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
