I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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