Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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