my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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