Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
