I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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